I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
