I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
