The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
