Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
