you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
