it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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