I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
