I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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