Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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