I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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