I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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