I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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