i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
His hands were made for my vagina.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
