Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
