shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
