Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
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And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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