i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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