I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
