I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
