id be glad to
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
