Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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