can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
