i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
