Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
