I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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