My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
