A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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