I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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