i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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