someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
