P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
