my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
