It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I will die if light touches me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
false alarm, still single
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
