The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
