Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
