My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
