Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize