Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I think my vagina is haunted
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
