operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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