Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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