I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
