Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
