Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
