It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
