I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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