I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
