Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
