just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
