I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
