You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I stole a fireplace last night.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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