Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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