More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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