you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
