I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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