Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
