Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
