my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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