They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
